Queen Susan
by Lachriel
Summary: When we left Narnia, I could feel myself growing smaller. When we left Narnia, I ran from it as fast as I could. I convinced myself that it had all been pretend. But not really. Once a king or queen of Narnia, always a king or queen of Narnia.


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Chronicles of Narnia. I do not make any money from fanfic authoring.

Note: I recently re-watched the first two Narnia movies. And I've been thinking over Susan for a long time. 

When we left Narnia, I could feel myself growing smaller.

It wasn't like the first time, when we had actually become younger. It was more like everything good and bright, everything that had made me a queen, was shrinking away in grief. I don't know how Peter could stand it, knowing that we could never go back.

I smiled at the others, trying to pretend it wasn't killing me. And then we boarded the train to school. I don't think they even had time to realize anything was wrong.

When we left Narnia, I ran from it as fast as I could.

I convinced myself that it had all been pretend. But not really. I couldn't really, though I tried my best. I filled my life with beauty tips and dances and flirting with boys – books and travel and telly. I nearly convinced myself that I was happy. But not really.

There was always the voice in the back of my mind telling me that I could be better – that I _ought_ to be better. I couldn't make it stop. I usually ended up shut in my room crying because I knew that it was right.

Then one summer Lucy and Edmund visited our cousins. Better them than me. When they came home though – I could hardly bare to look at them. I could tell they'd been back. Lu ran crying into my arms when she saw me. They didn't even have to say. They'd been shut out too.

Once a king or queen, always a king or queen. What was the use of it if we were in exile?

I suppose that was when I really threw my whole heart into not believing.

It took effort, not to react when they brought it up. Eventually I could laugh it off as a childish game without a second though. Eventually they stopped talking to me about it altogether. I thought that the hurt might start to fade then, but it didn't. And there was still the voice saying that I should have done better.

I carried on. I lived a normal life in the real world. I became just Susan, instead of Queen Susan the Gentle.

Then there was the train crash.

I've been told I went mad with grief when I heard the news. I don't remember. Perhaps its true. But not for my brothers and sister. My grief was all for myself. When I heard, I knew beyond doubting that I had missed my chance. Peter, Edmund and Lucy had gone back. They were with Aslan in Narnia while I was trapped here in the real world by myself. I don't know how I knew this, but the knowledge was absolute.

My eyes were opened. I believed again.

I began to dream. At first, it was our own adventures – the White Witch, the battle with the Telmarines. But they continued on, and I wrote them down. I dreamed of Lu and Ed's summer with Eustace and Caspian on the Dawn Treader. Then there was Eustace and his friend Jill who saved Caspian's son. I dreamed two children racing toward Narnia under the direction of their talking horses. I dreamed the beginning of Narnia. I dreamed its end.

I woke crying from that dream, but I was happy. I hadn't lost my chance after all, not really. I just had to wait, and still be worthy to be a queen of Narnia when the time came.

I still lived in the real world, but I tried my best to be the queen that I knew I was. Even in exile, I had a responsibility to my kingdom and my title. Sometimes I saw others who I could tell had their own stories. We didn't often discuss them, but we recognized each other.

I grew up. When I was married I raised my children to behave as princes and princesses. I told them stories of gentle and valiant queens and of just and magnificent kings. I told them stories of Aslan, who was not a tame lion, but who was a good one.

I grew old. I told the stories to my grandchildren. Some of them listened. Some of them even understood.

Then came the day when I woke in a beautiful field of flowers. The sun shone brightly overhead and a cool breeze moved the air. It was the most beautiful day I'd ever seen – better than anything in the real world, more perfect. It was better even than the most wonderful summer day in Narnia. Lucy sat smiling beside me.

"Come on, Susan," she said happily. "We've been waiting for ever so long for you."

"Where are the others? Where's Aslan"

"Further up, further in!" she exclaimed. She took my hand, and laughing, we ran on.


End file.
